The weather has been perfect. It’s as if it was fall and the leaves are going to start changing colors! It’s so early for this weather but I’m enjoying it. G_d has blessed us with it and I’m going to enjoy it to the fullest.

I have a coworker who is going through a terrible time emotionally. We’ve all been there. You know when you feel like anything you do has no purpose, you feel unappreciated, depressed, unable to easily trust, and you don’t know how you will make it through. I feel for her because she is a wonderful person who is a joy to work with. She’s very real and doesn’t pretend to be anything but herself.

I wish I could help her get out of her funk. I try to take from my own experiences and share with her how I made it through particular issues. She’s taken some of my advice lately and it’s helping her to feel better… a little bit. At least it’s something. She struggles with her weight and that in itself has her very depressed. Her husband lost his business which has made the single income living very challenging with 3 kids. She has some family drama that is at the peak of explosion. What’s amazing is she takes this all on her shoulders and doesn’t get angry. Sure she gets upset but that’s expected. However the fire isn’t in her (well not yet) and she’s doing a lot of the ow poor me pity me. I really feel bad for her. It’s a terrible place to be in your mind.

What was different in my situation is I got mad… very mad. With that anger my determination to pull through fighting and come out barely scared was fueled with my stubbornness that no one will ever knock me down.  I will not dare to say that I didn’t have some horrible lows but I kept picking myself up and moving forward. I never wanted the difficult times to define me. No I wanted my determination to overcome to shine through.

I’m quickly realizing that not everyone thinks this way. I wonder what it is about people that makes them dwell in the misery and others who continue to stand up to it. I hate the feeling of “pity me” that I am the victim all the time. Sure there are times that I appreciate someones compassion to my hurt, but I never want to be in the mode of people always pitying me.

Over the years after all the things I’ve been through I have grown very tough skin. I’m grateful for all the bad experiences in my life because it’s made me a stronger and more determined person. It’s helped me to guide my children better and to help others who feel utterly helpless. I’ve become a very positive person who loves Christ and feel very blessed for all that I have in my life. I love my life!

Thank you Heavenly Father!

Time it was and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories, they’re all that’s left you

“Old Friends” Simon & Garfunkel

When I listen to the lyrics of this song by Simon & Garfunkel I can’t help but think about all the memories I have and memories yet to be made. Some good… some great… a few terrible but it’s all about what you do with those memories that matters.

The terrible ones can be a thorn in your side if you don’t release yourself from the guilt of it all. There are two mind sets to terrible memories; one being the heavy feeling of guilt that you in some way could have prevented that terrible memory. The second is you simply dismiss it as an event in your life that taught you a lesson for future experiences. There are a couple of events in my past where the first one is definitely prevalent due mostly to the nature of the event. The second falls in the bucket of any other terrible experiences. I learned from them and made sure to never repeat that mistake again. This is how I view my past marriage as to why I’ve gotten to that point of being able to move forward with my life. It’s been a journey but I’ve become a much stronger and determined individual because of it. I know what I will and will not tolerate in an exclusive/marriage relationship. 

I just had lunch with a couple of coworkers and it was sad for me to see one going through such a tremendously hard time in her life. I wanted to take all her pain away… but I can’t. Her highly insecure and sensitive self allows for continuous self torture one does when they carry their emotions on their shoulders. She is weighed down with all the hurt and torment in her life. Her husband is out of work, her family is dysfunctional, and she’s very insecure. This has all become a toxic situation that looks like it can blow at any moment. She loves her husband so it’s not that type of issue. No it has to do with money… well the lack of money. Her husband is not a strong man so he hasn’t taken much initiative to find any type of work. With children a home and all the responsibilities that fall under that she has a very valid reason to be stressed and depressed.

I wonder though what takes you over to that point of no longer being depressed and moving into the survival mode. Is it when you hit rock bottom? I look at my own situation and I think it’s when I mentally decide to release myself from the bonds of the issue and instead forge forward with the solution. It’s a moment in your life when you realize that you need to move forward and push yourself through the obstacle. What do you do when your spouse isn’t ready for that part? What if he/she becomes the obstacle? How do you get them on course to move forward?

I think we need to focus on the positive points in our lives. Those memories that are etched into our minds which bring us back to those single moments of granular happiness and joy. Memories are what you make of them. Set your course forward to make more wonderful memories. Let the bad memories keep you aiming for the good ones.

Learn from your past… aim to the future… revisit memories that bring joy back into your life… never hold on to things and people who should be let go… always move forward!

Some of us think way too much; I am a guilty party to that! Sure this isn’t necessarily bad, but when it affects possible events from transpiring it can really wreck havoc in your life… you may even miss out on a wonderful blessing in your life. There are times that your mind likes to play tricks on you making you feel that what you perceive as a wonderful experience will instead be a dreadful reality. You can truly think about things too much and too deep which will inevitably cause outcomes to be very different. Or worse off you might miss a grand opportunity. Did you ever think you could literally think yourself out of something truly wonderful? Yes you can!

It’s been a few years now that I have kept the words in my mind “leave it in G_d’s hand” handy especially for those moments when I know I’m thinking/analyzing something way too much. Have you ever just “missed the boat”? I have, many times in fact, end up over thinking the outcome of a decision.

Whether it’s a career change, life changing decision, or love we all can stand to step back and let it go. This doesn’t mean to not think things out in a thorough way. No, this means to not only think about it but more importantly pray about it. The power of prayer is far more accurate in decision making then is the brains ability to over analyze something to death.You can end up making the outcome work against you rather than for you. G_d knows already what’s in store for you in your life.

As a child will go to his/her parent for guidance on a decision as should we turn to our Father in Heaven when we have a decision to make. Especially when it’s one that will change the course of our future.

In my own life those times that I turned to prayer on decisions such as a career change (example) my choice ended up being the best choice I could have made. There have been times as well that I thought about something so much that I actually missed the opportunity. Looking back I know it was because the more I thought (analyzed) about it the more I was talking myself out of it. I’ve missed a great deal of wonderful things due to my over thinking and once I learned to leave it in G_ds hands it’s been such a blessing.

Let your Heavenly Father guide you in your life decisions. Don’t abandon your own thinking but complement it will G_d own advice (through prayer) for you. Happiness is right there at arms reach…

Pray… be at peace… find joy… be grateful…

Of course this is how out of touch I’ve been lately. I was watching the news before I headed out to work. That is when I find out today is the long awaited “Occupy stinkies” reappear to the dismay of many. I’ve always been someone who believes in the right to protest. My problem is that they mistreat others within their group and they literary live where they are protesting. Not just for a night – No this goes on for days, weeks, and months! Don’t these people have homes? Shouldn’t the majority of student protesters be in class? Moreover is this a way to make a point or just get people annoyed by you? I’m annoyed.

When I went downtown in the fall I couldn’t even cross the street as the stench was awful!! I thought I was going to die.

So I decided to do some research and see if I can find if there were incidents during the 60s that those protesters stayed in tents for months on end. I found not a thing. They had the common sense to go to their homes, take a shower, eat, and sleep in their comfy beds. What I think is the difference is that in the 60s one of the largest issues on the table for the protesters was the war. Today they are protesting for the government to pay for everything (i.e. healthcare). The motive is not peace. Their motive is destruction of the capitalist system.

It’s very sad to me seeing all these people (majority young!) leading our county into socialism. The entitlement society has really reared it’s ugly head. So should we assume that they will be camping out in all these cities for months on end? One must also question why is the government allowing this to escalate to this point. Could they have an agenda? Are funding and supporting the occupy movement? I’m starting to believe so.

One only needs to look at Sandra Fluke. We all know now who got her on TV…

Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories; they’re all that’s left you

With all this women’s vote commotion that is going on it makes me excited to see women stand up for women. No matter if they are single working parents, married stay at home mothers, and women who are married with children and work outside the home the response was grand. To say a women is not economically savvy is like saying men don’t know anything about the household budget. It’s flat out ridiculous.

It seems like today we are so focused on living up to the Jones and giving our kids whatever their heart desires. We are raising an entitlement generation and we’re already seeing the start to this trickle down effect in our young adults. No longer do youths shovel driveways to make a dollar or take an old couples newspaper to their door. Values were instill in children and it was very clear that you couldn’t have everything and mom and dad worked their rears off to keep a roof over your head. You dare not ask for a iPad for Christmas!

Of course this relates much to the 60’s women’s movement. Women demanded that they become equal to a man even though this was not in HF’s plan. Women were determined to push the limits and that they did right into where we are today. I’m all for equal treatment but there are some things that can’t be equal even if you mold it to be that way. We are no longer ladies… we are broads and chicks. We are no longer stay at home mothers who nurture their children… we are obsessed with material possession and selfish in every way. We are no longer the matriarch of our home… we are now “equal partners” around the house. No longer is a man the patriarch of his family and the strong mail figure our children look up to… we now have men who are so in tune with their feminine side it makes me physically ill watching them hide behind their wives when there is an intruder.

The message here is if all you women want respect at home then you need to downsize your life, respect your husband, and be supportive as well as positive. And for both parents never go to bed angry at each other. Repair the damage immediately… trust me it works.

Women need to assume the position of a lady. Men need to assume the position of a head of the household and spiritual lead his family each day. If we each (women) learn more about obedience an submission it would do many good. i am disappointed in women and what we have become however I am even more disappointed in men who let it get to this point.

 So many who have come out of a toxic relationship tend to go right back into a toxic relationship. One has to wonder is it part of our character makeup? Or is it that we attract from we exude? It would only make sense to me that it is a combination of both.

 Does ones character change over time? Well, yes naturally. But to what extent does it change when it comes to the core character makeup of ourselves? I don’t see my core necessarily changed throughout the years, it seems very much who I’ve always been. However what I do see is that the surface is rougher. Might it be the anger I have from the failure of a relationship. Or maybe it’s that I felt wronged in so many ways that I am determined to express it in different ways… this won’t happen ever again. 

 So many of us attract a certain type of person in our lives and no matter how we try to break that pattern it just doesn’t work. Such as a Masochist who will only find themselves in a somewhat of a complicated and odd place connecting in a relationship. Meeting such a person you would never in a million years think they fall into this pool. Most Masochist keep this part of their life very private. It’s difficult to figure them out since in their day to day life they are typically very successful, powerful, dominating, and controlling people. It is only when they are with the one that they love and trust that they let go of all that. Here’s a person who may be faithfully religious, a family person, very private about their personal life, successful, controlling, demanding, stubborn, and with all that they desire to have a man who to a degree controls their life. Someone like this (e.g. Masochist) finds it a release to have a man make the decisions, discipline (e.g. to be spanked), direct or guided, or to level their spouse back down to reality. There is a matching of toxicity that brings the chemical attraction of 2 people who share such a deep and taboo attraction. The Masochist will attract someone who has that same toxicity to bring to the table. If not, neither of their needs will be met in the relationship which will inevitably come to a screeching halt.

 Funny thing is I married someone who was not a dominate figure in my life. Not at all strong in character – in fact my ex was weak and indecisive. I kept the inner real part of me out of the marriage for many long years… never sharing with him who I really was inside.  Maybe I was looking to eliminate my own toxicity by selecting someone who would never be a fit for my personality. Was it an attempt to recreate myself? When I did divorce I told myself that I will never marry someone who doesn’t completely understand and accept me for who I am.

 Look at the history of your relationships and compare those that were long term versus short term do you see a pattern? For example are your short term relationships more with people who are more opposite of your temperament, character, and style of relationship. These people are one’s you initially thought to yourself as the perfect companion, but soon after found yourself becoming bored even at times irritated by this person. Are your long term relationships with people who you would categorize as the type you don’t see yourself with initially? This particular person might be defined as turbulent, toxic and emotionally exhausting? Family and friends most of the time dislike this person but they’re not sure why. Do you find yourself craving this person after a toxic moment for which you walked away saying I’m never coming back. Yet you go back… again… and again.

Sure some might argue that not everyone has what many would describe as toxic relationships however I argue that indeed we do.  It’s only when the toxicity is high that that we see it as toxic, but when low it really has no effect. Take for example an electrical current. If we were to zap ourselves walking across a static carpet we would hardly notice the pain and there would be no lasting harm. However if we were to drop a plugged in appliance into a bathtub for which we are in we would surely die.  The toxic electrical current in a very low degree was barely noticed, yet the one at a high degree could nearly kill you.

 One’s relationship is toxic to a degree, and if that degree is one that matches the degree level of each person in the relationship then the toxicity is not damaging. It might look damaging to others from the outside but the couple clearly do an equal dishing out on each other. The toxicity is equally distributed from both partners. What I look at more is the toxicity which is the degree of which something is toxic.

 Toxic = poisonous, extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful

 Toxicity = the degree to which something is poisonous

 One thing most who have toxic relationships say that they can agree on is boredom. They crave an element of drama, passion, and depth to their relationships.

 We attract what we exude

 This short statement is very true, and it’s one that many of us hate to admit in our own situations.  When we exude a particular behavior we attract people who are either curious, excited or attracted to your behavior. The curious person finds you fascinating like a science project. However just as in the lab they err on the side of caution and soon after flee for safer ground. Your mere presence makes them fear an explosion is in their path. The excited actually pursue a relationship with you because they find it exciting to be amidst your presence. You bring an element of excitement in their lives that they crave. Soon however that excitement turns into sheer fear that you are just way too much for them to handle. This relationship is short lived and usually very confusing.  Then there is the attracted. They find you like a magnet finds metal. It’s an instant commonality that you share and you’re initially not sure what that is. At the same time you try to keep your distance in fear that the chemistry is so strong you develop a fear of latching on too quickly.

 In conclusion

 Whether one may be in a toxic relationship seems irrelevant to how much toxicity is actually in the relationship. You can’t take vinegar and oil and force them to mix happily together. The same goes for relationships that are toxic to a degree. When both of you bring a different toxicity to the relationship it is either going to be very damaging or run its course smoothly. Maybe the lesson to be learned is to listen to your chemistry rather then so much your mind. Thought here should be an equal balance of consideration given to what your mind thinks and the chemical attraction. One may argue that in fact when we give too much consideration to the mind we devalue the chemical messages.

 The discussion opens up many other issues that fall into this same arena that can be discussed in future post. Such things like what makes a relationship abusive and how does the toxicity play a hand in that scenario. Can toxicity change in each of us over the year whether due to experiences or maturity? There are a slew of questions we can dive into and I welcome your comments and open the discussion to all of you out there.

Shlome alkhoun