So many who have come out of a toxic relationship tend to go right back into a toxic relationship. One has to wonder is it part of our character makeup? Or is it that we attract from we exude? It would only make sense to me that it is a combination of both.
Does ones character change over time? Well, yes naturally. But to what extent does it change when it comes to the core character makeup of ourselves? I don’t see my core necessarily changed throughout the years, it seems very much who I’ve always been. However what I do see is that the surface is rougher. Might it be the anger I have from the failure of a relationship. Or maybe it’s that I felt wronged in so many ways that I am determined to express it in different ways… this won’t happen ever again.
So many of us attract a certain type of person in our lives and no matter how we try to break that pattern it just doesn’t work. Such as a Masochist who will only find themselves in a somewhat of a complicated and odd place connecting in a relationship. Meeting such a person you would never in a million years think they fall into this pool. Most Masochist keep this part of their life very private. It’s difficult to figure them out since in their day to day life they are typically very successful, powerful, dominating, and controlling people. It is only when they are with the one that they love and trust that they let go of all that. Here’s a person who may be faithfully religious, a family person, very private about their personal life, successful, controlling, demanding, stubborn, and with all that they desire to have a man who to a degree controls their life. Someone like this (e.g. Masochist) finds it a release to have a man make the decisions, discipline (e.g. to be spanked), direct or guided, or to level their spouse back down to reality. There is a matching of toxicity that brings the chemical attraction of 2 people who share such a deep and taboo attraction. The Masochist will attract someone who has that same toxicity to bring to the table. If not, neither of their needs will be met in the relationship which will inevitably come to a screeching halt.
Funny thing is I married someone who was not a dominate figure in my life. Not at all strong in character – in fact my ex was weak and indecisive. I kept the inner real part of me out of the marriage for many long years… never sharing with him who I really was inside. Maybe I was looking to eliminate my own toxicity by selecting someone who would never be a fit for my personality. Was it an attempt to recreate myself? When I did divorce I told myself that I will never marry someone who doesn’t completely understand and accept me for who I am.
Look at the history of your relationships and compare those that were long term versus short term do you see a pattern? For example are your short term relationships more with people who are more opposite of your temperament, character, and style of relationship. These people are one’s you initially thought to yourself as the perfect companion, but soon after found yourself becoming bored even at times irritated by this person. Are your long term relationships with people who you would categorize as the type you don’t see yourself with initially? This particular person might be defined as turbulent, toxic and emotionally exhausting? Family and friends most of the time dislike this person but they’re not sure why. Do you find yourself craving this person after a toxic moment for which you walked away saying I’m never coming back. Yet you go back… again… and again.
Sure some might argue that not everyone has what many would describe as toxic relationships however I argue that indeed we do. It’s only when the toxicity is high that that we see it as toxic, but when low it really has no effect. Take for example an electrical current. If we were to zap ourselves walking across a static carpet we would hardly notice the pain and there would be no lasting harm. However if we were to drop a plugged in appliance into a bathtub for which we are in we would surely die. The toxic electrical current in a very low degree was barely noticed, yet the one at a high degree could nearly kill you.
One’s relationship is toxic to a degree, and if that degree is one that matches the degree level of each person in the relationship then the toxicity is not damaging. It might look damaging to others from the outside but the couple clearly do an equal dishing out on each other. The toxicity is equally distributed from both partners. What I look at more is the toxicity which is the degree of which something is toxic.
Toxic = poisonous, extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful
Toxicity = the degree to which something is poisonous
One thing most who have toxic relationships say that they can agree on is boredom. They crave an element of drama, passion, and depth to their relationships.
We attract what we exude
This short statement is very true, and it’s one that many of us hate to admit in our own situations. When we exude a particular behavior we attract people who are either curious, excited or attracted to your behavior. The curious person finds you fascinating like a science project. However just as in the lab they err on the side of caution and soon after flee for safer ground. Your mere presence makes them fear an explosion is in their path. The excited actually pursue a relationship with you because they find it exciting to be amidst your presence. You bring an element of excitement in their lives that they crave. Soon however that excitement turns into sheer fear that you are just way too much for them to handle. This relationship is short lived and usually very confusing. Then there is the attracted. They find you like a magnet finds metal. It’s an instant commonality that you share and you’re initially not sure what that is. At the same time you try to keep your distance in fear that the chemistry is so strong you develop a fear of latching on too quickly.
In conclusion
Whether one may be in a toxic relationship seems irrelevant to how much toxicity is actually in the relationship. You can’t take vinegar and oil and force them to mix happily together. The same goes for relationships that are toxic to a degree. When both of you bring a different toxicity to the relationship it is either going to be very damaging or run its course smoothly. Maybe the lesson to be learned is to listen to your chemistry rather then so much your mind. Thought here should be an equal balance of consideration given to what your mind thinks and the chemical attraction. One may argue that in fact when we give too much consideration to the mind we devalue the chemical messages.
The discussion opens up many other issues that fall into this same arena that can be discussed in future post. Such things like what makes a relationship abusive and how does the toxicity play a hand in that scenario. Can toxicity change in each of us over the year whether due to experiences or maturity? There are a slew of questions we can dive into and I welcome your comments and open the discussion to all of you out there.
My Darkside Pleasure 